Ask a Ninja Robot Pirate

The best agony aunt column ever!
http://media.www.thecurrentonline.com/media/storage/paper304/news/2007/04/02/Opinions/Ask-A.Ninja.Robot.Pirate-2817906.shtml

and

http://media.www.thecurrentonline.com/media/storage/paper304/news/2007/04/02/Opinions/Ask-A.Smaller.Ninja.Robot.Pirate.That.Lies-2817908.shtml

When You Said Robot Sex Club I Thought You Meant....

"A garish, leering, green-haired moppet wearing a sailor suit style high school uniform is the robotic tout for a sex club in Osaka. That fact in and of itself is worth of comment, perhaps followed by an ectoplasmic exclamation point bubbling out of the top of your head. But it's actually far more ingenious than that.

You see, an Osaka law introduced in 2005 prevents sex club touts from advertising their services on the city streets. At first, sex club touts took the ingenious tact of simply loitering on street corners, looking their seediest and most dissolute, but with a gigantic sign hung around their necks reading "ASK ME!"

Osakan lawmakers, none too pleased by sex touts' ingenuity, followed up the 2005 law with a further stipulation: sex touts can't be human at all. The wording of this law gave one one savvy sex club owner a great idea: he repurposed a human sized robot, previously used to direct traffic around construction sites, into a cybernetic purveyor of fleshy wares.

In the future, pornographers are going to be remembered internationally as the most technologically innovative renaissance men of our generation"

http://blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/2007/04/the_amazing_osa.html

No Go Asimo

Tech Digest lists 10 possible future jobs for Asimo

http://techdigest.tv/2007/03/top_10_future_j.html

Number 7 is "urban warrior". Seriously, he's the size of a small boy. Asimo is a pussy. He looks like a camp midget astronaught, not a cold, ruthless killing machine. He'd run home crying if you so much as fired a water pistol at him. He should stick to helping old woman out of bed and acting like a friend of Dorothy.

Jacko Armageddon!

Michael Jackson wants to build a 50ft robot of himself for a Vegas show.
http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/41620594

Some advisor guy says: ""It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see."

No, it will be the last thing they'll see...

"If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital."

Trust me, no-one will be landing anywhere near Vegas that night.

I Think It Is Watching Us

Picture couresty of Sam Brown @ explodingdog.com

More Song Lyrics: Robot Parade by The Might Be Giants

In a future time
Children will work together
To build a giant cyborg
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Wave the flags that the robots made
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Robots obey what the children say

There's electric cars
There's electric trains
Here comes a robot with electric brains
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Wave the flags that the robots made
Robot Parade
Robot Parade
Robots obey what the children say

More Song Lyrics: Binary Love by The Rakes

Don't you ever pretend
That we are more than friends?
Despite the metal and wires
I still have human desires
I'll wait here till the end
For my dividend
And when I turn off the lights
I'll wait here till the end

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

When I hear your voice
It fills me with noise
Was this meant to be?
Are you corrupting me?
Can't you just pretend
That we are more than friends?
Despite the metal and wires
I still have human desires

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

The satellites connecting us, protecting us
Our makers have neglected us
It's not their fault
It's just the way

Over and over she burns my circuits
I feel fire rushing through my wires
I can feel all the things that we can't share

Yeah, I'm In Love With An Android

Yeah I'm in love with an android
by Say Hi to Your Mom

Her kisses are metallic
and her touch is warm but cold
And I don't think she sleeps at night
but plugs into the wall
And we have a great relationship
based on things that can't be said
And she has a great relationship
with her television set

And, yeah, I'm in love with an android
but so what?
Stranger things have happened
stranger things have been loved

The neighbors are an odd bunch
and they're too inquisitive
They don't like heavy metal,
or the type she shacks up with
But I swore I'm done with humans
and I like to keep my word
And she beeps for me every time

And, yeah, I'm in love with an android
but so what?
Stranger things have happened
stranger things have been loved

Satellite Repair Bots

"Now that they're poised to take over the planet, robots are turning to outer space thanks to the folks at DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects) who have just launched their first satellite repair bots into space. Dubbed ASTRO, the repair bots are designed to patch up other satellites without any human guidance, instead they rely on GPS and laser sensors. Once docked with the ailing satellite, ASTRO uses a 10-foot robotic arm to fill the satellite with fuel and make repairs"
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/robots/astro-becomes-first-robotic-satellite-repair-man-243532.php


I wonder if they will be like most of the guys you get round to fix stuff?

"Oooooooooh....no, no, no, which cowboy fixed this for you last time? Made a right mess they did. Satellite, bag of shite more like. Look at that...(yanks hard)...comes right off in my hand. I've been in this game 30 years and never have I seen a satelite as bad as this. This couldn't orbit round my arsehole the state its in now. Them solar panels will need replacing, I'm telling you they saw you comin' when you bought them. How much you pay...$1.2bn? I could have got you them for half that price, should have given me a ring. By the time I fix this up, parts & labour, you're looking at about $800m minimum. Course I'll have to order the parts, that's gona take a few years but I could speed it up a bit if you give us the money now. Cash of course."

My New Favourite Word: Teledildonics

For those of you curious about romancing your very own pleasure bot, those lovley people at Suicide Bots have some good(ish) news for you.

See here: http://www.suicidebots.com/2007/03/13/the-sxsw-possibilities-of-a-pleasure-bot-panel/

If that does not satisfy you then you could also try: http://www.tinynibbles.com/teledildonics.html

which features a variety of items you wouldn't want your mother to find, such as cyber sex suits and the nightmare-inducing "thrillhammer." It also contains the following wise words; "No one wants a shock from their wet panties". No, quite.

Robot Buttons? Buttons? Y'know, Badges. Oh Badges! Yes, Badges! With Robots!

The generous & talented ben of robot comix is giving away lovely robot buttons (or badges, as we Brits call them, *sigh* you say tomato, we say give us our language back, hehe). Look at them in all their replendent glory! Don't they just sing to you? Yes, they do you answer. In the words of Nelson Mandela, "fucking awesome!"(I'm sure he's said it at some point in his life) Visit his site (ben's not Nelson's) to find out how you get your sweaty-with-excitment hands on some. But don't just write to him demanding buttons/badges in a letter written in your own blood. That's not nice and he probably won't give you any. Be kind and offer a gift or some hard cash. It doesn't have to be gold, frankinsense or myrh, just a token of your gratitude & awe. I was going to send him a pig but apparently the postal service will not transport live animals, so I will have to think of something else. I know, a pig...no wait, already thought of that. Hmm, maybe ben would like another animal of some sort. Like a pig! Oh no, been there already. Seriously, don't send him a pig. Or any live animal. Or dead ones. Or ones that sort of look dead but could be asleep or just resting. Let's just say no animals period.

http://robotcomix.blogspot.com/

Go there now! Do it!

They Are Spying On Us Now

Robot Webcam! It has a camera in its belly! It will report to its masters!

http://robots.engadget.com/2007/03/09/usb-robot-webcam-heavy-on-webcam-short-on-robot/#comments