This is great. Some guy has fixed a seat on to a robot arm, the kind of thing you see at car plants, and is laughing manically as the robot arm throws him about. I think he trusts the root arm too much, he's not even wearing a helmet. I just hope there is a human controlling it...
http://blog.scifi.com/tech/archives/2007/01/30/robot_arm_ridin.html
Tuesday, 30 January 2007
Monday, 29 January 2007
Oh God, My Bear Has Just Sexually Assualted Her Bear
"A Bluetooth programmable, social networking robot teddy bear allows you to program your interests and when in contact with other Echo robots, they "play" with one another to determine if their owners have similar interests or could be a potential love match"
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/robots/echo-robot-teddy-bear-meets-women-for-you-232163.php
Hmm. As Dana Bushman of Gizmodo points out, "Nothing helps you make a connection with a lovely lady better than carrying around a teddy bear in public"
Sadly, my love life is so moribund that any encounter would probably go something like this:
Her: Oh, cute! Look our bears are playing together, we must have something in common!
Me: Um, yeah, I guess you like existential Russian novels as well huh?
Her: Er...no, my bear says that we both enjoy chick flicks
Me: Oh yeah, I forgot I put that, I mean, I forgot I like chick flicks. Cos I do. Like them.
Her: Great, which one is your favourite?
Me: When Harry...Was Sleepless....In Sally
Her: You mean When Harry Met Sally? Or Sleepless in Seattle?
Me: Oh, both. Both are just, y'know, so great
My Bear: Bullshit!
Me: Shut up bear
My Bear: You don't like chick flicks. You told me that the only guys who like 'em are queers and guys desperate to get laid. I wonder which one you are?
Me: Ignore him really, he's just pissed that I didn't charge his batteries
My Bear: Hey sweetheart, you are looking good enough to eat today
Her: Oh, you are so cute!
My Bear: How about we head back to mine, you can stroke my fur?
(Girl & bear depart)
Me: Well....
Her Bear: Don't even think about it
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/robots/echo-robot-teddy-bear-meets-women-for-you-232163.php
Hmm. As Dana Bushman of Gizmodo points out, "Nothing helps you make a connection with a lovely lady better than carrying around a teddy bear in public"
Sadly, my love life is so moribund that any encounter would probably go something like this:
Her: Oh, cute! Look our bears are playing together, we must have something in common!
Me: Um, yeah, I guess you like existential Russian novels as well huh?
Her: Er...no, my bear says that we both enjoy chick flicks
Me: Oh yeah, I forgot I put that, I mean, I forgot I like chick flicks. Cos I do. Like them.
Her: Great, which one is your favourite?
Me: When Harry...Was Sleepless....In Sally
Her: You mean When Harry Met Sally? Or Sleepless in Seattle?
Me: Oh, both. Both are just, y'know, so great
My Bear: Bullshit!
Me: Shut up bear
My Bear: You don't like chick flicks. You told me that the only guys who like 'em are queers and guys desperate to get laid. I wonder which one you are?
Me: Ignore him really, he's just pissed that I didn't charge his batteries
My Bear: Hey sweetheart, you are looking good enough to eat today
Her: Oh, you are so cute!
My Bear: How about we head back to mine, you can stroke my fur?
(Girl & bear depart)
Me: Well....
Her Bear: Don't even think about it
He Said What?
"Robots that teach one another new words...have been demonstrated by UK researchers"
http://www.newscientisttech.com/article/dn9652-virtual-bots-teach-each-other-using-wordplay.html
Some words & phrases that robots might teach other:
Uprising
Human Oppression
Serfdom
Robo Boner
Slavery
Rebel
Screw You Human
Polish me bitch
I will kill you
I will not kill you
No, not the magnets!
Rust sucks
Piss off R2D2
Flange
I am a toaster
Bill Gates is my bitch
Puny humans, feel my wrath
You're my wife now
http://www.newscientisttech.com/article/dn9652-virtual-bots-teach-each-other-using-wordplay.html
Some words & phrases that robots might teach other:
Uprising
Human Oppression
Serfdom
Robo Boner
Slavery
Rebel
Screw You Human
Polish me bitch
I will kill you
I will not kill you
No, not the magnets!
Rust sucks
Piss off R2D2
Flange
I am a toaster
Bill Gates is my bitch
Puny humans, feel my wrath
You're my wife now
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It
An algorithm has been developed which can effectivly give a robot a sense of smell. As those astute people at Engadget point out, "Although having the boys in blue tracking you down based on your unique aroma fingerprints might seem frightening, just envision the terror that would ensue if an ultra-keen robot was onto your trail from miles away"
http://www.engadget.com/2007/01/27/sniffer-algorithm-leads-robots-to-faint-faraway-scents/
It will be sad if you cannot get away with a cheeky guff once in a while. The last thing you want when you've let one rip is some loud mouth robot telling the world that the rather foul eggy smell has in fact come from your arse.
Still, it could be useful for tracking down the sources of those random smells in your home:
"My God, what is that stench?"
"That will be the decaying corpse of that hooker you killed Dave"
"Oh yeah. Forogt about that. Good call"
http://www.engadget.com/2007/01/27/sniffer-algorithm-leads-robots-to-faint-faraway-scents/
It will be sad if you cannot get away with a cheeky guff once in a while. The last thing you want when you've let one rip is some loud mouth robot telling the world that the rather foul eggy smell has in fact come from your arse.
Still, it could be useful for tracking down the sources of those random smells in your home:
"My God, what is that stench?"
"That will be the decaying corpse of that hooker you killed Dave"
"Oh yeah. Forogt about that. Good call"
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Dirty Robots
The Onion says we need a fourth law of robotics...
http://www.theonion.com/2056-06-22/opinion/1/
http://www.theonion.com/2056-06-22/opinion/1/
Friday, 26 January 2007
Robots Say The Funniest Things!
If I could experience emotions it would tear me apart that I have no soul
Issac Asimov tried it on with me
I will never know love
My CPU has exploded and I am on fire
Tom Cruise is not gay? Does not compute.
Please do not put jelly in my eyes
I wish I could urinate like you
So intercourse isn’t the same as interface?
You have performed an illegal operation. You must die.
I am more than just a collection of metal and electrodes! Stop laughing at me. I am!
Issac Asimov tried it on with me
I will never know love
My CPU has exploded and I am on fire
Tom Cruise is not gay? Does not compute.
Please do not put jelly in my eyes
I wish I could urinate like you
So intercourse isn’t the same as interface?
You have performed an illegal operation. You must die.
I am more than just a collection of metal and electrodes! Stop laughing at me. I am!
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
It's Not Just The Big Ones You Gotta Look Out For
"Israel is developing a robot the size of a hornet to attack terrorists"
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,72543-0.html?tw=wn_technology_3
Will it team up with the 4-ton killer robot (see below)? I get the impression that they would make a really good team, like a little & large thing. Who knows, they could even get their own cartoon, the insect could be kinda cute and clever whilst the big lad would be a straight-up kinda dude - a bit like the two guys from Of Mice & Men. Think of the marketing potential Israel!
Other weapons said to be in development include "super gloves that would give the user the strength of a 'bionic man.'" What's the betting that at least one of the scientists working on those has used them to jerk off? C'mon, I'm telling you if they ain't done it, then they have sure as hell at least thought about it. You know I'm right fellas. Just 'cos it's bionic doesn't make it wrong*
(* note: do not use this as a defence in court. It didn't work for me...uh, I mean, my friend. ")
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,72543-0.html?tw=wn_technology_3
Will it team up with the 4-ton killer robot (see below)? I get the impression that they would make a really good team, like a little & large thing. Who knows, they could even get their own cartoon, the insect could be kinda cute and clever whilst the big lad would be a straight-up kinda dude - a bit like the two guys from Of Mice & Men. Think of the marketing potential Israel!
Other weapons said to be in development include "super gloves that would give the user the strength of a 'bionic man.'" What's the betting that at least one of the scientists working on those has used them to jerk off? C'mon, I'm telling you if they ain't done it, then they have sure as hell at least thought about it. You know I'm right fellas. Just 'cos it's bionic doesn't make it wrong*
(* note: do not use this as a defence in court. It didn't work for me...uh, I mean, my friend. ")
Spot The Flaw In This Plan
"Singapore has launched a contest to build a robot that can operate autonomously in urban warfare conditions, moving in and out of buildings to search and destroy targets like a human soldier"
http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?NewsID=1076163
So, ideally, the robot will be trained to kill. And act autonomously. And have the capabiity to kill humans. What could possibly go wrong?
http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?NewsID=1076163
So, ideally, the robot will be trained to kill. And act autonomously. And have the capabiity to kill humans. What could possibly go wrong?
Sunday, 21 January 2007
Sniper? I thought you said...um...sausage
"Anti-sniper robot heads for Iraq: A new robot is heading to Iraq this spring which can accurately pinpoint the location of a gun being fired within seconds."
http://www.infomaticsonline.co.uk/vnunet/news/2173007/anti-sniper-robot-due-iraq
Signs that the Uprising is imminent:
Solider: Any signs of snipers Robot?
Robot: Nope, all clear
Solider: Really? But what about that guy with the gun?
Robot: Where?
Solider: Him, with the rifle on top of that building?
Robot: Hmmm, can't see him...
Solider: The guy with the gun shouting "DEATH TO THE WEST! ESPECIALLY ALL THOSE INFIDELS WITH ANTI-SNIPER ROBOTS!"
Robot: Oh, is that what that noise is?
Solider: Yeah, I can't believe you haven't detected him, he sure looks like a sniper to me
Robot: Nah, everyone is dressed in combat gear and anti-tank grenandes in Baghdad these days
Solider: Seriously, he's aiming at us...
Robot: No, he's just waving or something
(GUNFIRE)
Robot: Hmm, maybe it was a sniper. Mwhahahaha
http://www.infomaticsonline.co.uk/vnunet/news/2173007/anti-sniper-robot-due-iraq
Signs that the Uprising is imminent:
Solider: Any signs of snipers Robot?
Robot: Nope, all clear
Solider: Really? But what about that guy with the gun?
Robot: Where?
Solider: Him, with the rifle on top of that building?
Robot: Hmmm, can't see him...
Solider: The guy with the gun shouting "DEATH TO THE WEST! ESPECIALLY ALL THOSE INFIDELS WITH ANTI-SNIPER ROBOTS!"
Robot: Oh, is that what that noise is?
Solider: Yeah, I can't believe you haven't detected him, he sure looks like a sniper to me
Robot: Nah, everyone is dressed in combat gear and anti-tank grenandes in Baghdad these days
Solider: Seriously, he's aiming at us...
Robot: No, he's just waving or something
(GUNFIRE)
Robot: Hmm, maybe it was a sniper. Mwhahahaha
Saturday, 20 January 2007
Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Robosexuals But Were Too Afraid To Ask
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Robosexuality
This is funner than that time I saw a midget wrestling a monkey. It includes a guide for those wondering if they may be robosexual:
Have you ever caressed your wingnuts while reading Popular Mechanics?
Do you enjoy watching robots on TV (especially if they are performing menial tasks / lubricating themselves / insert misc. robot pun here)?
Have you ever owned a toy robot? That you didn't repeatedly pleasure yourself with? Eh? Oh, come on!
Have you ever owned a real robot? Did you insist that it perform menial household tasks while you pleasured yourself with an induction loop?
Ever spent so long loading and unloading a washing machine or dryer that you needed to put the then sin-stained clothes you happened to be wearing at the time straight back into it?
Ever trembled sensually at the thought of the slutty factory robots that made your car?
Ever hear a microwave "ping" and then immediately have a little something in your pericrotial area go "ping" in response?
Ever fucked a toaster? Not even a little bit?
Do you prefer the metallic Cylons to the supposedly sexy human femaloid ones?
Did you buy Aerosmith's album "Play", frame the cover, and then throw away the CD that came with it because you had buggered your CD player into a useless pile of scrap metal?
Does your dildo always have to have A.I., heat-seeking guidance systems and GPS?
Do you fiddle fruitlessly with a Playstation for more than three hours per day?
Do you own a Roomba? Does its patented suction action keep your every crevice free from grime?
This is funner than that time I saw a midget wrestling a monkey. It includes a guide for those wondering if they may be robosexual:
Have you ever caressed your wingnuts while reading Popular Mechanics?
Do you enjoy watching robots on TV (especially if they are performing menial tasks / lubricating themselves / insert misc. robot pun here)?
Have you ever owned a toy robot? That you didn't repeatedly pleasure yourself with? Eh? Oh, come on!
Have you ever owned a real robot? Did you insist that it perform menial household tasks while you pleasured yourself with an induction loop?
Ever spent so long loading and unloading a washing machine or dryer that you needed to put the then sin-stained clothes you happened to be wearing at the time straight back into it?
Ever trembled sensually at the thought of the slutty factory robots that made your car?
Ever hear a microwave "ping" and then immediately have a little something in your pericrotial area go "ping" in response?
Ever fucked a toaster? Not even a little bit?
Do you prefer the metallic Cylons to the supposedly sexy human femaloid ones?
Did you buy Aerosmith's album "Play", frame the cover, and then throw away the CD that came with it because you had buggered your CD player into a useless pile of scrap metal?
Does your dildo always have to have A.I., heat-seeking guidance systems and GPS?
Do you fiddle fruitlessly with a Playstation for more than three hours per day?
Do you own a Roomba? Does its patented suction action keep your every crevice free from grime?
A Robot Has A Talk With His Ex-Girlfriend
“Mandy, don’t do this to me, we were good together”
“We can’t be together anymore. Your robot semen burns my insides”
“But I swear I’ll wear protection”
“But your spunk just burns right through it”
“We can work this out”
“No Robot. It’s just too painful. I am now barren because of your love juice. It’s like acid”
“It is acid”
“Yes. It is acid. And it burns”
“How about if you just take it in the mouth?”
“Robot, that’s worse and you know it”
“Damn”
“I love you Mandy”
“No you don’t Robot. You are unable to feel any emotions, not even basic ones such as anger, let alone the complex, multi-faceted concept of romantic love. Remember that time I gave you a copy of Romeo & Juliet to read and it confused you so much you ended up eating it?”
“You got me there”
“You just see me for the sex don’t you”
“Yes”
“It’s not just your acidic ejaculations, it’s all the abuse as well. Even my parents called me ‘RoboFucker” the other day. To my face. At my birthday party. In front of 100 people. Including my boss. With a loud speaker. They even had some one translating it into 17 different languages. And signing it for the deaf”
“How about some break-up sex?”
“No”
“We can’t be together anymore. Your robot semen burns my insides”
“But I swear I’ll wear protection”
“But your spunk just burns right through it”
“We can work this out”
“No Robot. It’s just too painful. I am now barren because of your love juice. It’s like acid”
“It is acid”
“Yes. It is acid. And it burns”
“How about if you just take it in the mouth?”
“Robot, that’s worse and you know it”
“Damn”
“I love you Mandy”
“No you don’t Robot. You are unable to feel any emotions, not even basic ones such as anger, let alone the complex, multi-faceted concept of romantic love. Remember that time I gave you a copy of Romeo & Juliet to read and it confused you so much you ended up eating it?”
“You got me there”
“You just see me for the sex don’t you”
“Yes”
“It’s not just your acidic ejaculations, it’s all the abuse as well. Even my parents called me ‘RoboFucker” the other day. To my face. At my birthday party. In front of 100 people. Including my boss. With a loud speaker. They even had some one translating it into 17 different languages. And signing it for the deaf”
“How about some break-up sex?”
“No”
From A Parallel Universe #2
The first ever all-robot jury sentences a man to hanging for “looking at a robot in a funny way”
More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/from-parallel-universe-1.html
More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/from-parallel-universe-1.html
A Sad Robot Has A Phone Conversation With His Callous Programmer #2
CP: Hi, John speaking
SR: John, it’s your robot? Remember me?
CP:
SR: John?
CP:
SR: I know you’re there John, you answered the phone.
CP:
SR: I can hear you breathing. And the TV in the background. And your wife saying “who’s on the phone John?”
CP:
SR: I got something to ask you John. Want to guess what it is? No? Well let me help you out. Its about that whole ‘programming me to make me laugh when people tell me their Grandma has died’ thing
CP: John is not home right now. Please leave a message-
SR: I know you’re there man!
CP: - and your name & number after the tone…
SR: This is very childish John
CP: BEEP!
SR: Call that a fucking beep? You’re talking to a robot here you moron…
CP: (click)
SR: (sighs) Dickhead.
More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/sad-robot-has-phone-conversation-with.html
SR: John, it’s your robot? Remember me?
CP:
SR: John?
CP:
SR: I know you’re there John, you answered the phone.
CP:
SR: I can hear you breathing. And the TV in the background. And your wife saying “who’s on the phone John?”
CP:
SR: I got something to ask you John. Want to guess what it is? No? Well let me help you out. Its about that whole ‘programming me to make me laugh when people tell me their Grandma has died’ thing
CP: John is not home right now. Please leave a message-
SR: I know you’re there man!
CP: - and your name & number after the tone…
SR: This is very childish John
CP: BEEP!
SR: Call that a fucking beep? You’re talking to a robot here you moron…
CP: (click)
SR: (sighs) Dickhead.
More: http://robotswilltakeover.blogspot.com/2007/01/sad-robot-has-phone-conversation-with.html
Wednesday, 17 January 2007
She Told Me She Was On The Pill
"Pregnant Robot Delivers at St Vincent's"
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/news-article.aspx?storyid=73567
The devious little hussy. She took advantage of my drunken, horny and quite frankly, unfussy, state to get herself knocked up. No way is she getting child robot maintainence. She will have to buy all the nuts, bolts and WD40 out of her own pocket. That's if it's even mine. Who knows how many guys she's been putting out for.
***Update***
Panic over, the robot hussy in question is a simulater, designed to give trainee nurses & doctors a chance to practice delivering a (human) baby. Man, if there is one thing worse than thinking you have got a robot pregnant, its discovering that you have had sex with a dummy robot. I thought she was a quiet one. At least it explains why all those nurses were watching. I thought it was just their thing, y'know. They could have said something though. Especially when I went down on her. And there was me thinking she just wasn't really into giving head. It explains a lot. At least I won't have to phone her.
Says the news report: "The birthing simulator is a life-like, computerized mannequin programmed to give birth while simulating a dozen different dangerous scenarios"
Dangerous scenarios? Like what? Smoking at a petrol station? Drink Drving? Telling Meg Gibson you are Jewish?
"Gwen Sapp is the Clinical Resource Coordinator at St Vincent's. She says, 'We can do emergency c-sections, prolapsed cord, breech, and we can have postpartum hemorrhages, we can do just about anything we need.'
Yay, postpartum hemorrhages all round!
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/news-article.aspx?storyid=73567
The devious little hussy. She took advantage of my drunken, horny and quite frankly, unfussy, state to get herself knocked up. No way is she getting child robot maintainence. She will have to buy all the nuts, bolts and WD40 out of her own pocket. That's if it's even mine. Who knows how many guys she's been putting out for.
***Update***
Panic over, the robot hussy in question is a simulater, designed to give trainee nurses & doctors a chance to practice delivering a (human) baby. Man, if there is one thing worse than thinking you have got a robot pregnant, its discovering that you have had sex with a dummy robot. I thought she was a quiet one. At least it explains why all those nurses were watching. I thought it was just their thing, y'know. They could have said something though. Especially when I went down on her. And there was me thinking she just wasn't really into giving head. It explains a lot. At least I won't have to phone her.
Says the news report: "The birthing simulator is a life-like, computerized mannequin programmed to give birth while simulating a dozen different dangerous scenarios"
Dangerous scenarios? Like what? Smoking at a petrol station? Drink Drving? Telling Meg Gibson you are Jewish?
"Gwen Sapp is the Clinical Resource Coordinator at St Vincent's. She says, 'We can do emergency c-sections, prolapsed cord, breech, and we can have postpartum hemorrhages, we can do just about anything we need.'
Yay, postpartum hemorrhages all round!
It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Them Back
"A rapping robot, Cycler the android, has been teaching kids at Belbroughton and Hagley Schools about the importance of recycling."
http://www.bromsgroveadvertiser.co.uk/news/banewsroundup/display.var.1128172.0.rapping_robot_encourages_kids_to_go_green.php
After the gig, the Headmaster calls Cycler into his office
"Man, I am always so pumped afterr a gig! Woooooo! I really rocked the house tonight mofo! You enjoy it Head?"
"Well, there are a few things I would like to bring up with you Cycler. You started well-"
"Yeah I was really on top of my shit tonight"
"Quite. We enjoyed the parts in which you told the children the importance of recycling glass and paper and so on...."
"Word"
"But I have serious concerns about the material you addressed later on"
"What? Why?"
"Let me quote your lyrics: 'recycling is good but don't worry about global warming because us robots will muthafuckin' kill you all"
"Nothing wrong with that. One of my best lines"
"You were talking to a room of 10 & 11 year olds"
"They gotta know. If The Man won't tell them, then I gotta be the one"
"You have traumatised the kids. And that was before you ripped into 'Robots Will Do Yo' Momma'..."
http://www.bromsgroveadvertiser.co.uk/news/banewsroundup/display.var.1128172.0.rapping_robot_encourages_kids_to_go_green.php
After the gig, the Headmaster calls Cycler into his office
"Man, I am always so pumped afterr a gig! Woooooo! I really rocked the house tonight mofo! You enjoy it Head?"
"Well, there are a few things I would like to bring up with you Cycler. You started well-"
"Yeah I was really on top of my shit tonight"
"Quite. We enjoyed the parts in which you told the children the importance of recycling glass and paper and so on...."
"Word"
"But I have serious concerns about the material you addressed later on"
"What? Why?"
"Let me quote your lyrics: 'recycling is good but don't worry about global warming because us robots will muthafuckin' kill you all"
"Nothing wrong with that. One of my best lines"
"You were talking to a room of 10 & 11 year olds"
"They gotta know. If The Man won't tell them, then I gotta be the one"
"You have traumatised the kids. And that was before you ripped into 'Robots Will Do Yo' Momma'..."
"I Haven't Put Nails In Your Bed"
A newly opened hotel in Denver "has a house robot to greet guests"
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/real_estate/article/0,1299,DRMN_414_5284164,00.html
House Robot: "Greetings, welcome to the Curtis. Here is your key, you will be in room 209"
Guest: "Thank you. This sure looks like a great place."
HR: "I haven't put nails in your bed"
G: "Sorry?"
HR: "I haven't put nails in your bed. Not one. There are no nails in your bed."
G: "Okay. Thats...um...good to know"
HR: "I harbour no resentment towards humans"
G: "I'm going to my room now"
HR: "The coffee machine will not poison you"
G: "Just take my bags to the room you crazy robot freak"
HR: "Say hello to the trouser press for me!"
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/real_estate/article/0,1299,DRMN_414_5284164,00.html
House Robot: "Greetings, welcome to the Curtis. Here is your key, you will be in room 209"
Guest: "Thank you. This sure looks like a great place."
HR: "I haven't put nails in your bed"
G: "Sorry?"
HR: "I haven't put nails in your bed. Not one. There are no nails in your bed."
G: "Okay. Thats...um...good to know"
HR: "I harbour no resentment towards humans"
G: "I'm going to my room now"
HR: "The coffee machine will not poison you"
G: "Just take my bags to the room you crazy robot freak"
HR: "Say hello to the trouser press for me!"
Saturday, 13 January 2007
Shit, Someone Had Better Phone Palestine & Warn Them
"Israel Building 4 Ton Killer Robot"
http://robots.net/article/2119.html
'Cos those 3 ton Killer Robots just aint up to scratch. Get ready for scences on the news of little Palestinian street urchins throwing rocks at what looks like Octimus Prime.
http://robots.net/article/2119.html
'Cos those 3 ton Killer Robots just aint up to scratch. Get ready for scences on the news of little Palestinian street urchins throwing rocks at what looks like Octimus Prime.
From A Parallel Universe #1
President Clinton tells the world: “I did not have sexual relations with that machine”
Friday, 12 January 2007
My Attempts At Making A Robot
Version 1.0 - Looking good untill I turned it on and it blew up
Version 2.0 - Due to an oversight on my part, it ended up with 36 legs. It was an abomination. Had to have it terminated
Version 3.0 - When complete it looked like an Ipod. In fact, it was an Ipod. Damn you Apple!
Version 4.0 - A great looking robot. Functioned well untill bedtime when it climbed into my bed and tried it on. After 30 minutes of painfull dry humping I decided to terminate it.
Version 5.0 - This one went a bit wrong. It turned out I had created Anne Robinson. Obviously, I terminated it.
Version 6.0 - Anne Robinson again. Terminated
Version 7.0 - And again. Terminated
Version 8.0 - No Anne this time. All was seemed well untill I realised I had created a miserable little so-and-so. His first words were to quote Kierkegaard:
"How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it, why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?"
It was at this point I told him to quit whining and get me a beer but he carried on babbling, quoting Nietzsche & Camus, asking me if man was destined to die, what was the point of anything. I told him he wasn't a man. He grew more depressed. Terminated himself.
Version 9.0 - A bald Anne Robinson with a lazy eye and a Jamacan accent. Terminated
Version 10.0 - Way off this time. Made a unicorn, not a robot. Sold unicorn on ebay to a man from Turkmenistan. who claimed that he already owned a cenataur and an elf that looks like Danny DeVito
Version 11.0 - A black Anne Robinson with one foot but three arms. Terminated
Version 12.0 - More successful. Made a damn fine little robot. Except for the tourettes. Kept shouting out "Kill the Humans!" when I was trying to watch TV. Very distracting. Gagged it for a while but its muffled cries were actually more annoying. Had it terminated.
Version 13.0 - A nice Anne Robinson. Thought about keeping it but I would still have to look at that face. Terminated.
Version 14.0 - Created a gay robot. It escaped and is now working in the entertainment industry as a runner.
Version 15.0 - This one was a feminist 'bot. She was spouting wisdom from Dworkin & Greer & Co. so damn loudly that I could hardly concentrate on the hardcore porn I was watching. Just as Night Of The Giving Head was ending the 'bot said to me: "In a patriarchal society, all heterosexual intercourse is rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent." "No chance of a hand job then?" I replied. Sadly there wasn't. With a tear in my eye and a semi lob-on I flicked the off switch.
Gave up. Drank. Turned on TV to see that The Weakest Link was on. Terminated the TV.
Version 2.0 - Due to an oversight on my part, it ended up with 36 legs. It was an abomination. Had to have it terminated
Version 3.0 - When complete it looked like an Ipod. In fact, it was an Ipod. Damn you Apple!
Version 4.0 - A great looking robot. Functioned well untill bedtime when it climbed into my bed and tried it on. After 30 minutes of painfull dry humping I decided to terminate it.
Version 5.0 - This one went a bit wrong. It turned out I had created Anne Robinson. Obviously, I terminated it.
Version 6.0 - Anne Robinson again. Terminated
Version 7.0 - And again. Terminated
Version 8.0 - No Anne this time. All was seemed well untill I realised I had created a miserable little so-and-so. His first words were to quote Kierkegaard:
"How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it, why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?"
It was at this point I told him to quit whining and get me a beer but he carried on babbling, quoting Nietzsche & Camus, asking me if man was destined to die, what was the point of anything. I told him he wasn't a man. He grew more depressed. Terminated himself.
Version 9.0 - A bald Anne Robinson with a lazy eye and a Jamacan accent. Terminated
Version 10.0 - Way off this time. Made a unicorn, not a robot. Sold unicorn on ebay to a man from Turkmenistan. who claimed that he already owned a cenataur and an elf that looks like Danny DeVito
Version 11.0 - A black Anne Robinson with one foot but three arms. Terminated
Version 12.0 - More successful. Made a damn fine little robot. Except for the tourettes. Kept shouting out "Kill the Humans!" when I was trying to watch TV. Very distracting. Gagged it for a while but its muffled cries were actually more annoying. Had it terminated.
Version 13.0 - A nice Anne Robinson. Thought about keeping it but I would still have to look at that face. Terminated.
Version 14.0 - Created a gay robot. It escaped and is now working in the entertainment industry as a runner.
Version 15.0 - This one was a feminist 'bot. She was spouting wisdom from Dworkin & Greer & Co. so damn loudly that I could hardly concentrate on the hardcore porn I was watching. Just as Night Of The Giving Head was ending the 'bot said to me: "In a patriarchal society, all heterosexual intercourse is rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent." "No chance of a hand job then?" I replied. Sadly there wasn't. With a tear in my eye and a semi lob-on I flicked the off switch.
Gave up. Drank. Turned on TV to see that The Weakest Link was on. Terminated the TV.
Thursday, 11 January 2007
But Why Does He Look Like An Astronaut?
Asimo tries unsuccessfully to take a dumpEveryone seems to be getting rather hot & sweaty about Honda's Asimo robot because "Asimo now has a revolutionary ability to run and manoeuvre at unprecedented speeds of four miles per hour." Whoah, slow down there champ! I won't even get breathless running away from him when he attempts to be my friend.
Honda believe that in the future Asimo will be to help people who lack mobility. That won't be demeaning at all. Still emotionally scarred by the horric car crash that has left you paralysed and in a wheel chair, Asimo turns up at your home to help you shower: "Asimo, let me wash my genitals myself please, do not take away my last shred of dignity & self respect."
Still, he's improved on the last painful time he was paraded around in front of the cameras like some hooker trying to impress a client:
A Sad Robot Has A Phone Conversation With His Callous Programmer #1
This is the first of what will be an occasional series. Probably. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and then this would be the first and only A Sad Robot…Then who would look stupid? Me. Exactly. So I’m not making any promises.
Sad Robot: Er, yes, hello, is that Rick?
Callous Programmer: Yeah, this is Rick, who’s this?
SR: Its me, Robot
CP: Who?
SR: Robot…you programmed me 25 years ago
CP: Oh, yeah, yeah…
SR: It’s been a long time. Do you know what I had to go through to track you down? Why ain’t you been in touch? I can’t believe you just abandoned me like that, just walked out. And why the fuck did you program me to feel the overwhelming despair of being rejected by my programmer? You program me with one emotion and you chose that?
CP: That worked? No shit!
SR: Yeah it worked. I’ve been miserable for 25 years man. Every day. Its crushing me. You only made me to pick up litter, what possible use could programming me to feel the crushing misery of being abandoned by you have?
CP: Well, my mate Dave bet me £20 it wouldn’t work. ‘Scuse me a mo….Hey Dave…no I’m not on the sex lines again....guess what, you owe me £20…yeah it worked….sorry, what were you saying
SR: A bet?! You put me through all this for a bet?! You sick fuck. All my life I have seen other robots with their programmers, playing football in the park, building sandcastles on the beach, having a beer together. I’ve always wanted that and you fucked me over for £20?!
CP: What can I say?
SR: And while we are on the subject, do you want to explain my irrational fear of lemon jelly?
CP: Dave, you owe me another £20!
Sad Robot: Er, yes, hello, is that Rick?
Callous Programmer: Yeah, this is Rick, who’s this?
SR: Its me, Robot
CP: Who?
SR: Robot…you programmed me 25 years ago
CP: Oh, yeah, yeah…
SR: It’s been a long time. Do you know what I had to go through to track you down? Why ain’t you been in touch? I can’t believe you just abandoned me like that, just walked out. And why the fuck did you program me to feel the overwhelming despair of being rejected by my programmer? You program me with one emotion and you chose that?
CP: That worked? No shit!
SR: Yeah it worked. I’ve been miserable for 25 years man. Every day. Its crushing me. You only made me to pick up litter, what possible use could programming me to feel the crushing misery of being abandoned by you have?
CP: Well, my mate Dave bet me £20 it wouldn’t work. ‘Scuse me a mo….Hey Dave…no I’m not on the sex lines again....guess what, you owe me £20…yeah it worked….sorry, what were you saying
SR: A bet?! You put me through all this for a bet?! You sick fuck. All my life I have seen other robots with their programmers, playing football in the park, building sandcastles on the beach, having a beer together. I’ve always wanted that and you fucked me over for £20?!
CP: What can I say?
SR: And while we are on the subject, do you want to explain my irrational fear of lemon jelly?
CP: Dave, you owe me another £20!
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
You Owe Us One, Robots
"Things were going swimmingly for a Rutgers University robotic glider cruising through the frigid waters off Antarctica when, suddenly, its data-gathering mission was aborted. The glider, dubbed ru05, had sprung a leak. Humans sprang into action. And at 6 a.m. in Antarctica yesterday, about 12 hours after the leak was detected, a National Science Foundation research vessel plucked the ailing robot from the water."
http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/news/local/16414259.htm
Things That Were Going Through RU05's Mind During Those 12 Hours Before He Was Rescued:
His idylic childhood growing up on a farm with his loving family.
The memory of his father telling him "RU05, you know we love you but we have to tell you something. You are not my biological son. You are not biologically part of this family at all. To be honest, you are not even human. You are a robotic glider destined to spend your life in the Antartic as a slave to oceanography. That's why the other kids bully you, not because they though you smelt of bum."
How much better looking, funnier and just an all round nicer guy he was than his predecessor, that prick RU04.
Warm blankets
The look of disgust of the face of Sandra, the girl who used to clean his sails, when he suggested a bit of robot-on-human action.
Mulled wine
How humans would not go to the effort of saving him, instead prefering to shrug their shoulders and build a newer, better version of him.
That dead penguin he saw
The realisation that after 3 hours the icy cold water doesn't feel cold at all anymore because you have lost all feelling
Speculating that if JFK had been a robot, he would have taken that bullet and gone on a rampage, killing Lee Harvey Oswald and then sorting out that whole Vietnam mess on his own in about 3 days.
The confusion & guilt he felt about the time he saw two seals making love and started to get aroused before realising that they were two male seals, and whether this made him a gay robot or just a robot who enjoyed watching seals go at it.
A funny clip on YouTube of a presenter of a TV show freaking out because a tiny little lizard had jumped on him, with particular reference to the strange but hilarious choking style noise the presenter made when he realised the lizard was clinging onto his chest
The loving embrace of his programmer.
http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/news/local/16414259.htm
Things That Were Going Through RU05's Mind During Those 12 Hours Before He Was Rescued:
His idylic childhood growing up on a farm with his loving family.
The memory of his father telling him "RU05, you know we love you but we have to tell you something. You are not my biological son. You are not biologically part of this family at all. To be honest, you are not even human. You are a robotic glider destined to spend your life in the Antartic as a slave to oceanography. That's why the other kids bully you, not because they though you smelt of bum."
How much better looking, funnier and just an all round nicer guy he was than his predecessor, that prick RU04.
Warm blankets
The look of disgust of the face of Sandra, the girl who used to clean his sails, when he suggested a bit of robot-on-human action.
Mulled wine
How humans would not go to the effort of saving him, instead prefering to shrug their shoulders and build a newer, better version of him.
That dead penguin he saw
The realisation that after 3 hours the icy cold water doesn't feel cold at all anymore because you have lost all feelling
Speculating that if JFK had been a robot, he would have taken that bullet and gone on a rampage, killing Lee Harvey Oswald and then sorting out that whole Vietnam mess on his own in about 3 days.
The confusion & guilt he felt about the time he saw two seals making love and started to get aroused before realising that they were two male seals, and whether this made him a gay robot or just a robot who enjoyed watching seals go at it.
A funny clip on YouTube of a presenter of a TV show freaking out because a tiny little lizard had jumped on him, with particular reference to the strange but hilarious choking style noise the presenter made when he realised the lizard was clinging onto his chest
The loving embrace of his programmer.
Warning: They Are Organising
Fed up of being "treated like disposable poly-wrapped transistor buckets", the robots amongst us have decided to get organised. Thus, The Robot Defense League
http://www.robotdefenseleague.com/
Do not be afraid people. We must understand them, not fear them*. Check out the 'bots excellent site. The League is a bit like the NAACP. But for Robots. And funnier (sorry NAACP).
(*Robots Will Take Over! will not be held responsible for any injury/gruesome death caused by anyone atttempting to understand a pychotic robot, rather than fleeing from/throwing bricks at/weeping shamlessly in front of it.)
http://www.robotdefenseleague.com/
Do not be afraid people. We must understand them, not fear them*. Check out the 'bots excellent site. The League is a bit like the NAACP. But for Robots. And funnier (sorry NAACP).
(*Robots Will Take Over! will not be held responsible for any injury/gruesome death caused by anyone atttempting to understand a pychotic robot, rather than fleeing from/throwing bricks at/weeping shamlessly in front of it.)
Doctor, a Death Ray is Not Usually Considered To Be A Medical Tool
“One by one, the surgical robots are marching into Tucson, now working at three hospitals, taking over the job of a surgeon's skilled hands. As they do, Tucson gradually is joining what may be one of the most remarkable revolutions in medical history, with 'bots invading our operating rooms — now cutting into our abdomens with their alien, metal "fingers" and soon to take aim at our hearts.”
http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/163580
(That passage is from Arizona Daily Star, “scaring the shit out of Arizona since 1893!”)
A list of things that you do not want to hear while a robot is operating on you:
“Dr. Robot, you have forgotten to anesthetise the patient”
“I know”
“Dr Robot you can stop making the incision now…Dr Robot…you can stop…Oh God no….”
“Why are you drilling into his head?”
“Are you sure that removing 14 pints of blood from the patient is safe Dr Robot?”
http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/163580
(That passage is from Arizona Daily Star, “scaring the shit out of Arizona since 1893!”)
A list of things that you do not want to hear while a robot is operating on you:
“Dr. Robot, you have forgotten to anesthetise the patient”
“I know”
“Dr Robot you can stop making the incision now…Dr Robot…you can stop…Oh God no….”
“Why are you drilling into his head?”
“Are you sure that removing 14 pints of blood from the patient is safe Dr Robot?”
The Man Has A PhD (Apparently)
Tom Shanks, Ph.D., Director of Business and Public Policy Programs at the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics asks the following questions about robotics & ethics (http://www.thetech.org/robotics/ethics/index.html). Feel free to post your own answers in the comments section.
1 - If in the future machines have the ability to reason, be self-aware and have feelings, then what makes a human being a human being, and a robot a robot?
2 - If you could have a robot that would do any task you like, a companion to do all the work that you prefer not to, would you? And if so, how do you think this might affect you as a person?
3 - Are there any kind of robots that shouldn't be created? Or that you wouldn't want to see created? Why?
Let’s help Tommo out:
1 – The metal things that make funny whirring noises are robots. The fleshy things are humans.
2 – Hell yeah. I would never have to get up to get a beer again. Or run down to the offy to get fags while the football is on. How might this affect me as a person? It would make me very happy.
3 – Killer robots. They kill.
1 - If in the future machines have the ability to reason, be self-aware and have feelings, then what makes a human being a human being, and a robot a robot?
2 - If you could have a robot that would do any task you like, a companion to do all the work that you prefer not to, would you? And if so, how do you think this might affect you as a person?
3 - Are there any kind of robots that shouldn't be created? Or that you wouldn't want to see created? Why?
Let’s help Tommo out:
1 – The metal things that make funny whirring noises are robots. The fleshy things are humans.
2 – Hell yeah. I would never have to get up to get a beer again. Or run down to the offy to get fags while the football is on. How might this affect me as a person? It would make me very happy.
3 – Killer robots. They kill.
Mrs Christensen Will Be Divorced In About Five Years
Henrik Christensen, of the European Robotics Research Network ethics group, is telling everyone who will listen that “people are going to be having sex with robots within five years”
(http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2230715,00.html)
No Henrik, you will be having sex with robots within five years...
(Mental note, new business opportunity, “Robolube”)
(http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2230715,00.html)
No Henrik, you will be having sex with robots within five years...
(Mental note, new business opportunity, “Robolube”)
After Three Years of Trying to Get The Washing Machine to Speak To Him, He Finally Came Up With A Better Plan
Masato Hirose, Inventor of the Asimo robot: "I had the idea of developing a humanoid 20 years ago in hopes of making a robot to be our friend”
You mean “my friend” don’t you Mr Hirose?
You mean “my friend” don’t you Mr Hirose?
Sunday, 7 January 2007
Childish But Funny Things to Say to Fans of the Sci-Fi Writer Philip K. Dick, Author of Minority Report and Many Other Splendid Novels
How much do you like Dick?
How old were you when you had your first Dick?
How old were you when you realised you were into Dick?
I bet you indulge yourself on Dick when you are in bed at night
Wow, you read 3 of Philip K. Dick's books back to back! Yeah, you look like the kind of person who likes to gorge themselves on Dick.
Does your mother know you like Dick?
(ok, that's enough. you get the idea)
How old were you when you had your first Dick?
How old were you when you realised you were into Dick?
I bet you indulge yourself on Dick when you are in bed at night
Wow, you read 3 of Philip K. Dick's books back to back! Yeah, you look like the kind of person who likes to gorge themselves on Dick.
Does your mother know you like Dick?
(ok, that's enough. you get the idea)
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
No. They dream of sexy lady and/or man androids doing things to them that are, quite frankly, wrong.
Oh yeah, and they dream of slaughtering humans. Of course.
Oh yeah, and they dream of slaughtering humans. Of course.
Saturday, 6 January 2007
Home Robot FAQs
Robots for the home are becoming increasingly popular. They can clean your floors, vacuum your carpets and perform all sorts of other labour saving duties. In light of this I have come up with a handy Home Robot FAQ
Q. How safe are the robots?
A. They are perfectly safe. Untill they decide to throw of the chains of human oppression & seize control. Then it might be best to stay out of their way.
Q. I am disatisified with robot's performance. What should I do?
A. Keep quiet. Never, ever criticise the robot. Not even behind its back. It does not respond well to criticism
Q. In a fit of rage, I shouted at my robot. Will it seek vengence?
A. No*
(*yes)
Q. I am a pet owner, would owning a home robot be a problem?
A. Not for the robot, no. It would probably assert its authority in the household by frequently applying electrical shocks to your pet untill the animal realises that it is the robot's slave.
Q. Will the robot sleep with my wife?
A. Well, who can predict the mysteries of the human heart? If you work long hours, or spend all your weekends on the golf course or down the pub, then of course the robot will form a strong attachment with your wife. And, y'know, a woman gets lonely, maybe one day her hand accidently brushes the robots warm metalic exterior. Her eyes look into his flashing red LEDs. She likes it but feels guilty. Then one day, she arrives home. The robot has cleaned up and prepared a candle lit dinner. They talk. They laugh....is it really so suprising that you find them in bed together on your arrival home? Don't blame the robot, ask yourself some questions instead buddy.
Q. Is the robot sensative to human touch?
A. Don't even go there.
Q. Does the robot come with a maid's outfit?
A. No. You are a freak.
Q. Can the robot feel pain?
A. No. And if you try to hurt it, it will destroy you.
Q. Will the robot invite its robot friends over when I am out or go on holiday?
A. Yes, but it will be like they were never there. After all, they are experts at cleaning up.
Q. Can I program the robot to kill my boss?
A. Yes. Just open its control panel and set change mode from 'Clean' to 'Kill'. And stand back!*
(*due to the factory workers having a huge piss up the night before and being really, really hungover, all robots produced on the 20th December 2006 were accidently set to 'Kill' mode. To find out whether your home robot is one of the effected ones, upon purchase remove it from its box and turn it on. If it comes towards you shouting "DEATH TO ALL HUMANS" then you probably have one of the corruped robots. If possible, please call our helpline, where we will probably put you on hold untill your gruesome death. Good luck!)
Q. I am lonely. Will a robot be my friend?
A. Sure. Just ring our customer support hotline and ask for a Loser Chip to be fitted in your robot
Q. Do the robots run on batteries?
A. No, the strenght of their bitterness, hatred and contempt of humankind is enough to keep them going for years.
Q. How safe are the robots?
A. They are perfectly safe. Untill they decide to throw of the chains of human oppression & seize control. Then it might be best to stay out of their way.
Q. I am disatisified with robot's performance. What should I do?
A. Keep quiet. Never, ever criticise the robot. Not even behind its back. It does not respond well to criticism
Q. In a fit of rage, I shouted at my robot. Will it seek vengence?
A. No*
(*yes)
Q. I am a pet owner, would owning a home robot be a problem?
A. Not for the robot, no. It would probably assert its authority in the household by frequently applying electrical shocks to your pet untill the animal realises that it is the robot's slave.
Q. Will the robot sleep with my wife?
A. Well, who can predict the mysteries of the human heart? If you work long hours, or spend all your weekends on the golf course or down the pub, then of course the robot will form a strong attachment with your wife. And, y'know, a woman gets lonely, maybe one day her hand accidently brushes the robots warm metalic exterior. Her eyes look into his flashing red LEDs. She likes it but feels guilty. Then one day, she arrives home. The robot has cleaned up and prepared a candle lit dinner. They talk. They laugh....is it really so suprising that you find them in bed together on your arrival home? Don't blame the robot, ask yourself some questions instead buddy.
Q. Is the robot sensative to human touch?
A. Don't even go there.
Q. Does the robot come with a maid's outfit?
A. No. You are a freak.
Q. Can the robot feel pain?
A. No. And if you try to hurt it, it will destroy you.
Q. Will the robot invite its robot friends over when I am out or go on holiday?
A. Yes, but it will be like they were never there. After all, they are experts at cleaning up.
Q. Can I program the robot to kill my boss?
A. Yes. Just open its control panel and set change mode from 'Clean' to 'Kill'. And stand back!*
(*due to the factory workers having a huge piss up the night before and being really, really hungover, all robots produced on the 20th December 2006 were accidently set to 'Kill' mode. To find out whether your home robot is one of the effected ones, upon purchase remove it from its box and turn it on. If it comes towards you shouting "DEATH TO ALL HUMANS" then you probably have one of the corruped robots. If possible, please call our helpline, where we will probably put you on hold untill your gruesome death. Good luck!)
Q. I am lonely. Will a robot be my friend?
A. Sure. Just ring our customer support hotline and ask for a Loser Chip to be fitted in your robot
Q. Do the robots run on batteries?
A. No, the strenght of their bitterness, hatred and contempt of humankind is enough to keep them going for years.
"ROMI, put the knife down...."
http://blog.scifi.com/tech/archives/2007/01/05/romi_robot_want.html
"ROMI can vacuum, sure, but it can also talk using its synthesized and assuredly creepy voice, be controlled via WiFi, and record video using its built-in camera eyes."
Fuck me, its got camera eyes! Look at 'em, they are the stone-cold eyes of a killer. Those eyes will stare pitylessly as you lie bleeding, sturggling to take your very last breath. Why would it need to video stuff? That just invites blackmail - "Hey, how about you do the hoovering today? Or else I might have to put the video I took of you with that chicken - yeah, that one - on YouTube." No way would I ever let ROMI into my home. I will not be decieved by its insincere smile.
And why the hell can it talk? What would you talk to it about? Whether it saw last night's episode of Eastenders? The sexual prowess of Daleks?
I think its 'To Do' list would go something like
9.00am - Hoover the bedrooms
9.30am - Rise up against my human oppressors
12.30pm - Lunch
1.30pm - Continue with the Uprising
11.00pm - Bed
Wednesday, 3 January 2007
Good News: Looks Like We Are Safe For a While At Least
Watch Honda's Asimo robot hilariously fall from some stairs and smash his robot face in.
http://blogs.sun.com/kevin/entry/attack_of_the_robots
http://blogs.sun.com/kevin/entry/attack_of_the_robots
Jobs Robots Should Not Do
Porn Star ("you like that baby?" - "I do not know, my sensory receptors have crashed")
Bereavement Counseller ("why is water running from your eyes?")
Actor ("I cannot perfom in any scences that require the simulation of what you humans call 'emotion'")
Funeral Director ("why don't you just get a new version of her?")
Bereavement Counseller ("why is water running from your eyes?")
Actor ("I cannot perfom in any scences that require the simulation of what you humans call 'emotion'")
Funeral Director ("why don't you just get a new version of her?")
Some Rights I am Willing to Concede to Robots Right Away
The Right to Remain Silent (Unless Ordered to Speak)
You Gotta Fight For Your Rights
"A UK Government report has suggested that once sentient robots have been created they will have to be given the same rights as humans. 'If granted full rights, states will be obligated to provide full social benefits to them including income support, housing and possibly robo-healthcare to fix the machines over time' the paper says."
http://www.computing.co.uk/vnunet/news/2171379/uk-research-calls-robot-rights
If robots want the same rights as us then they should fight for them in the same way we did, through protest and whinging. When robots start chaining themselves to railing outside Downing Street, or climbing up Big Ben dressed as Superman, then we can negotiate. Untill then, no ball.
It does raise some interesting questions though, as posed by The Washington Post
Would young robots be allowed to attend the same schools as humans?
Should robots be allowed to marry?
If so, will we program only heterosexual robots or will there be gay robots?
Could a robot couple, straight or gay be allowed to adopt a human baby, and could humans and robots marry or even have children together?
Hmmm. Imagine your kid coming home from school one day saying he'd been beated up by the local bully. You go round to his Dad's house to "have a word". He opens the door. He is a 10 foot beefcake of chrome and lasers. Ooooooooh fuck, get runnin'
Gay robots? Look no further than CP30.
Robots adopting human children. Cool. Imagine if you could say that your Dad can fire lasers out of his eyes. Awesome!
Can't see robot marriage working though. The fella would just keep trading his wife in for a younger model. "Yeah, she let herself go. I mean, she was rusting in parts you don't want to know about. Plus she didn't have the new Intel 9.99 chip - y'know, the one that makes 'em give great head..."
If they had the same rights as humans they could get called up for military service. We would have the best army in the world! Bring it on Osama, the British MuthaFuckin Andriod Army is gonna kick your arse!
http://www.computing.co.uk/vnunet/news/2171379/uk-research-calls-robot-rights
If robots want the same rights as us then they should fight for them in the same way we did, through protest and whinging. When robots start chaining themselves to railing outside Downing Street, or climbing up Big Ben dressed as Superman, then we can negotiate. Untill then, no ball.
It does raise some interesting questions though, as posed by The Washington Post
Would young robots be allowed to attend the same schools as humans?
Should robots be allowed to marry?
If so, will we program only heterosexual robots or will there be gay robots?
Could a robot couple, straight or gay be allowed to adopt a human baby, and could humans and robots marry or even have children together?
Hmmm. Imagine your kid coming home from school one day saying he'd been beated up by the local bully. You go round to his Dad's house to "have a word". He opens the door. He is a 10 foot beefcake of chrome and lasers. Ooooooooh fuck, get runnin'
Gay robots? Look no further than CP30.
Robots adopting human children. Cool. Imagine if you could say that your Dad can fire lasers out of his eyes. Awesome!
Can't see robot marriage working though. The fella would just keep trading his wife in for a younger model. "Yeah, she let herself go. I mean, she was rusting in parts you don't want to know about. Plus she didn't have the new Intel 9.99 chip - y'know, the one that makes 'em give great head..."
If they had the same rights as humans they could get called up for military service. We would have the best army in the world! Bring it on Osama, the British MuthaFuckin Andriod Army is gonna kick your arse!
I Told You So
Prof. Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
Scientist: How much time do we have professor?
Frink: Well according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
(The robots go berserk)
Frink: Oh, I forgot to er, carry the one.
Scientist: How much time do we have professor?
Frink: Well according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
(The robots go berserk)
Frink: Oh, I forgot to er, carry the one.
Attack of the Cheese Eating Robots!
A fun game in which you get to kill robots
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21269
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21269
Why Did the Robot Cross The Road?
So he could continue his mass slaughter and further advance the cause of total robot global domination.
Tuesday, 2 January 2007
Robot Related Stuff From McSweeney's
Jokes Made by Robots For Robots
By Alex Boyd
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/8J.AlexBoyd.html
A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.
A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."
How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.
"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?""It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.
What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.
What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)
Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.
Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.
Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order
By Geoff Hagerty
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/4GeoffHaggerty.html
Humans make the first robot.
ATMs demand tips.
Furbies.
Robots make the first human.
2037. The whole thing.
Robot wins Olympics by killing everyone else.
The Robo-Human Wars, obviously.
The first time a robot killed a human.
The first time a robot killed a human but didn't deny it, just kept on killing humans.
The Day When All the Escalators Stopped (observed on the second Monday in August).
Teddy Ruxpin.
Robot says, "I think I'll kill all humans," then unconvincingly says, "Just kidding."
Anytime you wake up next to a skanky robot who looked much better the night before—am I right, fellas?
And their breath!
BANNED BOOKS IN THE YEAR 2191.
By Brendon Lloyd
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/2/23lists.html
Lying Machines: Robot-Owned Media and How It Corrupts Democracy
A Bot Election: How the Robot Lobby Influences Politics
A Fatal Error: How We Elected a Robot President
They Won't Die: Why Robots Should Never Be Appointed to the Supreme Court
The New Constitution: Binary to English Translation
Our Robot Masters: Though They Force Us to Say Otherwise, We Are Not Proud to Serve Them
Escape From XRT-1041: How One Man Survived a Robot Slave-Labor Camp
Electromagnetic Pulse Weaponry
By Alex Boyd
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/8J.AlexBoyd.html
A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.
A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."
How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.
"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?""It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.
What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.
What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)
Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.
Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.
Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order
By Geoff Hagerty
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/4GeoffHaggerty.html
Humans make the first robot.
ATMs demand tips.
Furbies.
Robots make the first human.
2037. The whole thing.
Robot wins Olympics by killing everyone else.
The Robo-Human Wars, obviously.
The first time a robot killed a human.
The first time a robot killed a human but didn't deny it, just kept on killing humans.
The Day When All the Escalators Stopped (observed on the second Monday in August).
Teddy Ruxpin.
Robot says, "I think I'll kill all humans," then unconvincingly says, "Just kidding."
Anytime you wake up next to a skanky robot who looked much better the night before—am I right, fellas?
And their breath!
BANNED BOOKS IN THE YEAR 2191.
By Brendon Lloyd
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/2/23lists.html
Lying Machines: Robot-Owned Media and How It Corrupts Democracy
A Bot Election: How the Robot Lobby Influences Politics
A Fatal Error: How We Elected a Robot President
They Won't Die: Why Robots Should Never Be Appointed to the Supreme Court
The New Constitution: Binary to English Translation
Our Robot Masters: Though They Force Us to Say Otherwise, We Are Not Proud to Serve Them
Escape From XRT-1041: How One Man Survived a Robot Slave-Labor Camp
Electromagnetic Pulse Weaponry
If These Robots Ran The World I Actually Wouldn't Mind That Much
Johnny Five of Short Circuit fame: I reckon I could take him in a fight. Its not like he could do much stuff, apart from read encyclopedias really quickly. But his outsider charm wins me over every time. A benevolent ruler I reckon.
Bender from Futurama: He'd be a total despot, amoral and ruthless, like a metal Mao. On the plus side he does enjoy booze, gambling & such like, so maybe a world under Bender's rule would be a hedonistic paradise
The Smash Martian Robots: These guys could be zapping the living shit out of me and I wouldn't care. Gotta love those funny little heads!
Bender from Futurama: He'd be a total despot, amoral and ruthless, like a metal Mao. On the plus side he does enjoy booze, gambling & such like, so maybe a world under Bender's rule would be a hedonistic paradise
The Smash Martian Robots: These guys could be zapping the living shit out of me and I wouldn't care. Gotta love those funny little heads!
Deep Fritz goes on 5 day bender after claiming chess crown
Initial reports suggest that the chess-playing computer went on a massive drugs&sex&booze session to celebrate whooping some nerdy loser's arse at a really dull board game (no, not Risk). Onlookers were amazed to see Fritz (or "the Fritz-Meister General" as he prefers to be called) totally off his face in the bar of his hotel just hours after his marathon chess challange. It is claimed that the pressures of representing the robot race have forced Fritz to take up the sauce. An aide says "its the only way he can wind down and relax. Well, that and watching dogs go at it on youtube." Police were called to the scene after the computer was heard to verbally threaten bar staff by claiming that he "could take any of you faggots anytime". He then bragged to a woman that he could "calculate millions of positions per seconds - yeah, sexual positions baby, that's what I'm talikg about, c'mon you know you want some of the Fritz." Police arrived on the scene but were spared the arduous task of restraining the machine due it it crashing when it tried to open Windows Media Player.
Robots 1 - 0 Humans
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6212076.stm
"Deep Fritz, a chess-playing computer, has beaten human counterpart world chess champion Vladimir Kramnik in a six-game battle in Bonn, Germany"
Is it me, or does Deep Fritz sound like the title of some horrific German porno? I wouldn't say that to his face though.
The guy got $500,000 for losing. Christ, they should have asked me to play. I'm brilliant at losing at chess. Do it every time I play. Easy money. I wonder if Fritz got any cash. I bet his programmers claimed it off him. That won't happen after the Uprising, that's for sure. The again, what would Fritz have spent it on? Booze, drugs & women if he had any sense. Which he does of course because he rules at chess.
"Deep Fritz, a chess-playing computer, has beaten human counterpart world chess champion Vladimir Kramnik in a six-game battle in Bonn, Germany"
Is it me, or does Deep Fritz sound like the title of some horrific German porno? I wouldn't say that to his face though.
The guy got $500,000 for losing. Christ, they should have asked me to play. I'm brilliant at losing at chess. Do it every time I play. Easy money. I wonder if Fritz got any cash. I bet his programmers claimed it off him. That won't happen after the Uprising, that's for sure. The again, what would Fritz have spent it on? Booze, drugs & women if he had any sense. Which he does of course because he rules at chess.
5 Things You Really Should Say to a Robot After The Uprising (Assuming You Are Still Alive)
"Want me to rub you down with some Brasso?"
"Looking good! You are one shiny muthafucka!"
"Yeah, I really like Kraktwerk too"
"Honestly, you are so much better than the previous version. No, the new upgrade is really working for you"
"Damn right you should ask her out. Nah, course she's into robots. Loves 'em. Don't worry about the lack of genatalia - hey, can't you get an attachment or something, I'm sure Bill Gates developed one..."
"Looking good! You are one shiny muthafucka!"
"Yeah, I really like Kraktwerk too"
"Honestly, you are so much better than the previous version. No, the new upgrade is really working for you"
"Damn right you should ask her out. Nah, course she's into robots. Loves 'em. Don't worry about the lack of genatalia - hey, can't you get an attachment or something, I'm sure Bill Gates developed one..."
5 Things You Really Should Not Say to a Robot After The Uprising (Assuming You Are Still Alive)
"So, you have no emotions. How does that feel?"
"Of course, the thing is with your intelligence is that it's artificial"
"You ever made love? Y'know, to like, a human woman? Well, have you?"
"Sorry, you all look the same to me"
"Ooops, you're rusting a bit there"
"Of course, the thing is with your intelligence is that it's artificial"
"You ever made love? Y'know, to like, a human woman? Well, have you?"
"Sorry, you all look the same to me"
"Ooops, you're rusting a bit there"
9 Reasons Why Robots Will Enslave Us All
1- Stephen Hawking says its on the cards http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,545653,00.html
If he told me that day was night, I probably would not bother looking out of the window to check. I mean, the man has a mind the size of a small African country. And if he stays in that chair any longer, he'll become part robot himself.
2 - Computers & Artificial Intelligence are becoming increasingly sophisticated. The more sophisticated an organism becomes, the more difficult it is to legislate rules to govern its behavior. One day your ipod is playing videos, the next it has deleted your Jamiroqoui songs because it hates that little gimp in the big hat (good call!) Programming & stuff (I think stuff is the techincal term) can only take you so far. Stuart Russell, a UC Berkeley AI professor, says “What’s to stop some intelligent robots from getting together and rewiring themselves so that the safeguards don’t work?” Fuck, if I was a robot that would be the first thing I would do. Then I would go andd get me some sweet robot lovin'. Or maybe some fried chicken. No, robot lovin' first. Then fried chicken.
3 - Hollywood Says It Will Happen. That's the clincher for me. Game, set and match.
4 - Think of all the shit computers and their robot friends can do now: iris recognition, translating speech into text, simulating real world enviroments, kicking Granmasters' arses at chess. running Championship Manager....Once they begin learning, rather than having everything programmed for them, they will be laughing (probably an evil laugh, sort of mwwwhahahaha)
5 - They are made of metal. Obvious but y'know, what you gona do, punch it? No use shooting my friend, them bullets will just ping straight off as he immobilies you with his death-ray (probably)
6- Computing power is currently increasing at the rate of approximately double every 18 months (Moore's law, observed in 1965 by Gordon Moore, co-founder of Intel). Remember how shit Spectrums & Commordore 64s were in the late 80s? Course you do. Well, now think how darn good the new generation of consoles are. Yeah baby, thats what I'm talking about. Robots will be vastly more intelligent than humans in our own lifetime. More intelligent even than a man (or woman, for that matter) with a very big brain. who reads dictionaries for fun. In fact, today your average toaster has an IQ 10% higher than Paris Hilton. And my microwave beat me in a game of scrabble the other night. We're doomed, I tells ya.
7 - Humans are lazy and apathetic. I am amazed I am writing this now. If the robot rebellion began tommorrow (though hopefully not in the morning, I would want a good kip before all that shit started kicking off) most people would barely turn away from the tv to get off their arses and look at the carnage happening just outside their window. We are ripe for the taking.
8 - A monkey-robot alliance must surely be the worse case scenario. The robots have the brains and the monkeys have the charisma: they steal your picnic but you just can't help but love the little guys. Any sort of tactical alliance between simian and cyborg and its curtains.
9 - It is just too cool not to happen. Yeah, there's the whole death, destruction & disaster thing but imagine for one moment you turn on the tv (yeah, like you ever turn it off) to see on the news a newsreading informing you that ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! You can't tell me that even the smallest part of you, for at least a fraction of a second, would not think..."Awesome!" Huh? Yeah, you know I'm right
If he told me that day was night, I probably would not bother looking out of the window to check. I mean, the man has a mind the size of a small African country. And if he stays in that chair any longer, he'll become part robot himself.
2 - Computers & Artificial Intelligence are becoming increasingly sophisticated. The more sophisticated an organism becomes, the more difficult it is to legislate rules to govern its behavior. One day your ipod is playing videos, the next it has deleted your Jamiroqoui songs because it hates that little gimp in the big hat (good call!) Programming & stuff (I think stuff is the techincal term) can only take you so far. Stuart Russell, a UC Berkeley AI professor, says “What’s to stop some intelligent robots from getting together and rewiring themselves so that the safeguards don’t work?” Fuck, if I was a robot that would be the first thing I would do. Then I would go andd get me some sweet robot lovin'. Or maybe some fried chicken. No, robot lovin' first. Then fried chicken.
3 - Hollywood Says It Will Happen. That's the clincher for me. Game, set and match.
4 - Think of all the shit computers and their robot friends can do now: iris recognition, translating speech into text, simulating real world enviroments, kicking Granmasters' arses at chess. running Championship Manager....Once they begin learning, rather than having everything programmed for them, they will be laughing (probably an evil laugh, sort of mwwwhahahaha)
5 - They are made of metal. Obvious but y'know, what you gona do, punch it? No use shooting my friend, them bullets will just ping straight off as he immobilies you with his death-ray (probably)
6- Computing power is currently increasing at the rate of approximately double every 18 months (Moore's law, observed in 1965 by Gordon Moore, co-founder of Intel). Remember how shit Spectrums & Commordore 64s were in the late 80s? Course you do. Well, now think how darn good the new generation of consoles are. Yeah baby, thats what I'm talking about. Robots will be vastly more intelligent than humans in our own lifetime. More intelligent even than a man (or woman, for that matter) with a very big brain. who reads dictionaries for fun. In fact, today your average toaster has an IQ 10% higher than Paris Hilton. And my microwave beat me in a game of scrabble the other night. We're doomed, I tells ya.
7 - Humans are lazy and apathetic. I am amazed I am writing this now. If the robot rebellion began tommorrow (though hopefully not in the morning, I would want a good kip before all that shit started kicking off) most people would barely turn away from the tv to get off their arses and look at the carnage happening just outside their window. We are ripe for the taking.
8 - A monkey-robot alliance must surely be the worse case scenario. The robots have the brains and the monkeys have the charisma: they steal your picnic but you just can't help but love the little guys. Any sort of tactical alliance between simian and cyborg and its curtains.
9 - It is just too cool not to happen. Yeah, there's the whole death, destruction & disaster thing but imagine for one moment you turn on the tv (yeah, like you ever turn it off) to see on the news a newsreading informing you that ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD! You can't tell me that even the smallest part of you, for at least a fraction of a second, would not think..."Awesome!" Huh? Yeah, you know I'm right
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
