A Sage-Grouse Ran Off With My Wife

"Researcher creates robot bird to study grouse mating rituals"
http://www.davisenterprise.com/articles/2007/02/11/news/324new0.txt

Look, if you want to watch grouse go at it, just admit it, don't drag some robot bird into it. Watching birds enjoying lovin' is perfectly natural. Actually, its not. Bur still, leave the robots out of it.

(Semi-) Seriously though, some researcher is using a robotic bird to study mating techniques of the sage grouse and some of the information is stuff that I think we can all learn from:

"The male...uses sticks and twigs to build a small hut-like structure, called a bower, and decorates it with shiny and colorful — often blue — objects such as flowers, buttons or even pen caps to attract females."

I have also used pen caps to attract females. One night I went out with 36 blue pen caps glued to my face. I gotta tell you, I turned a lot of heads but mostly for the wrong reasons. I was eventually sectioned under the Mental Health Act and spent 4 months incarcerated in a room padded for my own protection. So, lesson 1 - what works for one species does not neccesarily work for another


"When a female sits in the bower, the male puts on a dramatic display, ruffling and puffing his feathers, stretching his wings and strutting around, adjusting his antics based on the female’s body language "

Again, we see this in the human world of sexual relations. Men will often show off to attract a girl. Like that time I ate 13 Mars bars one after each other. For some reason, this failed to impress. Lesson 2 - put on a dramtic display but do not over do it.

"Females tend to crouch down when interested in the male"

Never has a girl crouched down in front of, or near to, me. This is probably due to the two incidents detailed above. Lesson 3 - crouching female, good, crouching tiger, bad (especially if there is also a hidden dragon)

"If the male comes on too strong at the wrong time, he could scare her away."

Tell me about it. Lesson 4 - stalking is not proof of your romantic dedication. It is stalking.

"While 90 percent of birds are monogamous, the sage-grouse falls into the 10 percent with a polar opposite strategy. They try to mate with as many females as possible."

How gutted would you be if you were in the 90% of monogamous birds? "Aw, c'mon honey, the sage-grouse next door is always bringing home a different bird each night, why can't I play around a little". So, lesson 5 - if caught cheating, claim you are a sage-grouse. Good luck.